The Dating Tales

I toyed with online dating a while back and had some interesting emails come my way. This one was my favorite.

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How to Talk to a Widower

“I had a wife. Her name was Hailey. Now she’s gone. And so am I.”

That’s the reigning sentiment throughout Jonathan Tropper’s novel “How to Talk to a Widower.” Here’s a book that I reluctantly picked up after reading a quick review in a magazine. I started it off thinking I was reading a non-fiction book. About 3 chapters in, I was amazed at the conversational detail and descriptions of occurrences outside the scope of the main character. That’s when I looked at the cover and saw in small, yet quite visible letters, that I was reading a novel. Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Throughout the novel, the main character is consistently being set up on dates, or approached by neighbors, which turns the novel into a bit of a commentary on dating and relationships. Tropper has an interesting take on dating and initiating conversation. He writes:

…Because no matter what I’m saying, you know I’m just saying it to break the ice, so that I can ask you out, so that we can go out, and if that goes well, so that we can have sex. So basically, I go from being this nice guy with no agenda to this sleazy asshole who’s trying to sleep with you before he even knows you.

Does anyone else share that sentiment? Sure, ideally there’s someone out there who’s a friend of a friend that you’re going to meet and get along with and have something develop, but more often than not (at least in my experience) you’re shooting in the dark. I think I’m a pretty nice guy over all, but how does one get over that sleazy/slimy feeling on the initial approach?

Most of you will probably have a response similar to that of the other character in the novel:

You think maybe you’re over-thinking the whole thing a little?

To which I respond in the same manner as Doug:

That’s what I do

Another forlorn look at dating is taken in a lengthy montage:

In the weeks that follow, I have enough lousy first dates to merit a musical montage. Cue the pop song and watch Doug try on different outfits and pose in front of the full-length mirror as Claire directs him, laughing from the bed. Watch Doug escorting various attractive and semi-attractive women from central casting in and out of different restaurants and coffee shops. Fast cuts of different women seated across the table: speaking or not speaking, painstakingly scraping the dressing off a piece of Bibb lettuce, angrily underscoring some clearly salient talking point with a violent jab of her finger, weeping uncontrollably, and sucking up a seemingly endless piece of spaghetti. And then more fast cuts of Doug dropping each of these women off at their homes or apartments, shaking hands, or awkwardly jockeying back and forth between handshakes and chaste goodnight pecks, the camera lingering on them in the background to show on their faces the sad certainty of another man who won’t be calling again, and then Doug coming into focus in the foreground as he heads back to his car, his expression bated in the abject worthlessness of it all. The song choice is key here, something slow, but with a beat, a gruff smoker’s voice singing romantic lyrics laced with irony to convey the utter futility of it all; the boredom, the wasted time, the awkward beginnings and ending, the instantly forgettable, canned-date conversation, the sad, damaged lives to which he is now unwittingly privy, a song that ends in fading minor piano chords as Doug drives home with windows open, his face sadly vacant as he stared blankly at the empty road ahead.

Having read my fair share of books that seem to center around dating and relationships lately, it may seem as though my take on the process is as forlorn and worthless as the above passage illustrates. This is not the case, although I do find it so at times. I can empathize with Doug’s wonderings and feelings of simply going through the motions at times. The other side of that coin, though, is the excitement of meeting someone new, and that spark you share with another person, if only for an evening.

I think one of the reasons I enjoyed this book, aside from the fact that I found it funny, uncomfortable, emotional, and touching, was the fact that it seemed to follow a thought pattern similar to my own. As I mentioned above, the spark that you can share with someone else can be truly amazing, even if it’s only for a moment:

Sometimes you walk past a pretty girl on the street and there’s something beyond beauty in her face, something warm and smart and sensual and inviting, and in the three seconds you have to look at her, you actually fall in love, and in those moments, you can actually know the taste of her kiss, the feel of her skin against yours, the sound of her laugh, how she’ll look at you and make you whole. And then she’s gone, and in the five seconds afterwards, you mourn her loss with more sadness than you’ll ever admit to.

Spot on.

The last passage that I’ll talk about here takes place in the form of a conversation between Doug’s dad and himself. He touches on how people deal with hardships in life, and I feel does a good job at embodying one of my own philosophies:

This is just your time, son, that’s all. Your time to hurt and bleed and tear apart your notion of what makes you who you are. Life knocks us all on our ass at some point. And then we get back up, and we make some change, because that’s what men do. We adapt. And when we’re done adapting, we’re better equipped to survive.

How great is that? Get back up. Make some change. Adapt, and become stronger.

Dating and Relationships - my ramble

Writing is really one of those things best done when the ‘feeling’ comes upon us. I find that I have a hard time writing anything of substance if the desire to write something compelling isn’t really there. In the few classes I’ve taken on writing (in High School and in College) I was told that daily writing is something that should be done to help hone one’s skills. Thus; my somewhat daily ramblings here on this, my blog.

 

I don’t have much to say today, but let’s just see what’s rolling around in my head and see where it takes us. Maybe I’m up for a few epiphanies.

 

Let’s start off with dating, or, well, a better term than dating that eludes me, because dating implies that there are dates, and a single (multiple?) people on which one can go on dates with. Having been more or less single the better part of the last two years has shown me many facets of dating, varying stages of relationships, and that oh-so-thin line between dating and friendship.

 

Last night I was out with a group of friends on U Street and it came to me just how simple it would be, in a town like DC with so many attractive people around, to go home with someone different every night. I was approached by not one, but two somewhat attractive women at the different bars we went to last night. Both seemed nice, and we had a moderate conversation before I simply lost interest and went back to my group of friends. (In these women’s defense, my friends are my favorite people and it was also a bit of a going away party for one of them, so I was probably better off with them than with anyone else)

 

In a city such as DC, with as many options as there are around, it’s so easy to be picky (some may call it shallow) and blow off someone who could potentially be amazing, for the potentially amazing girl across the room. Relationships are fickle, and I use the term ‘relationship’ its loosest form. You have micro relationships with just about everyone you come into contact with; the girl across the bar who you keep making eye contact with, the woman at the bar who strikes up a conversation with you, the girl who you date for a few weeks, only to realize things aren’t quite right, and even the traditional relationship relationship.

 

The thing about DC, (and most major cities, as is made apparent through many, many postings on Metro Cards and Condoms) is that there’s always someone around who’s more interesting, or that can offer something better than whomever it is that you’re talking to at the moment. Even something as simple as a name can throw one off one girl, and on to the next. Is too much variety killing anything of substance from developing?

 

I look around at my circle of friends strewn about the country, and I find a pattern in dating and relationships. That pattern is this: My friends who live in more rural areas, or in smaller cities (think Buffalo NY) tend to be in long term relationships, or married to people that they met in or just after college (five years ago or more for the most part), and are generally ‘happy’*, while those of us in larger cities with a more metropolitan feel tend to live the single life, dating for a while, then moving on or being moved on from. Some of these singles love the life and lack of any serious relationship, but most, when questioned, yearn for something more and continue searching for that one person out there with ALL of the qualities they want/need in a partner. Is this a product of the environment, or is it the type of person that’s drawn towards that type of environment.

 

Variety, and the potential of meeting someone new with amazing qualities, plays a large role in who one dates. Let’s say you like qualities, A, B, C, D, E, and F in a woman (A woman being your ideal woman) and that you find someone with A, B, D, E, and F, but missing C. Will you forever be looking at women who do have quality C and saying ‘damn, I love my girl with ABDEF, but I really miss having a girl around with C.’ Prompting jealousy, infidelity, and the potential end of a relationship. What happens when you realize that there is even more than F out there, and that you may also like qualities GH&I (but secretly loathe LM&O)?

 

My thoughts are that when in a smaller pool of people, the fact that a person is missing quality C, but has ABDE&F, becomes less important. They are the best of what’s available to you. Living in a large metropolitan area though leaves us with what may be too much variety, too much choice. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who is either more attractive, or who you share a more intense moment with than the person you’re with, or who makes more money, or who is better with family, or who is just generally a ‘better’ person that whomever it is that you’re with at the moment.

 

Is ditching the person you’re with for the next person the right idea though? I suppose it all depends on what you’re looking for.

 

Take my thoughts for what they are, but look around at people you know, both in relationships and out, and ask yourself who’s happier. Once you think you’ve got that figured out, ask yourself: what is happiness, and how do I apply that to me?

 

 

 

 

*happiness is relative. Those people in relationships who are ‘happy’ also tend to have a false sense of happiness carefully fabricated at times. This isn’t the case across the boards, as I DO have friends who are truly happy in their relationships, but is worth mentioning.