World Hating Rage

It’s amazing how much one’s mood can change over the course of an evening. Take me for example.

(read on if you like, it’s a long post that’s more self reflective than anything else)

I like to think of myself as a generally easy-going, happy guy. I really don’t have much to get upset about. I’ve got a good job, good friends, relatively good health most of the time, and a bright future ahead of me. Because of this, stemming also from consistent reinforcement as a child, I’ve got a pretty positive outlook on things and feel as though I can take on the world on any given day.

Today, though, was a day of world-hating rage. It seems like lately, all those things that normally go my way have swung the other way. I’ve been sick, had my skills questioned at work, and my body seems to be rebelling against me, what with ACLs tearing in my sleep, shoulder pains, and other miscellaneous troubles that I won’t go into here in this public forum. Today, everything seemed to culminate – work was horrendously busy, my knee was killing me, and my love life seemed so far removed from where I’d like it to be that it may as well be the former planet Pluto, with me stuck here on Earth in the dark ages.

On top of that, I’d gotten no sleep the night before, and had a very unsatisfying lunch at my desk that I worked through as the start of many 10 hr plus days to come as this project ramps up. I was not happy.

I finally made it home around 6:30 after picking up my dry cleaning and having started my work day (late for me) at 7:45 and hit the gym with the IM away message of “in the gym, burning through the rage,” which fit my mood perfectly. I then proceeded to go heavy for the duration of my workout, upping my weight and reps from last week’s workout, striving to become bigger and stronger as I reach my ‘d-day’ of August 27th when I’ll go under the knife and be out of commission for a while.

While ‘going heavy’ on everything, I talked with one of the roommates about all of the stuff that was making my heart speed up just thinking about it. The combination of talk and using all of my major muscles seemed to release all the tension and turmoil of the day. With each rep, rage spilled from my head and into my muscles, so that at the end of my 2 hr workout, I felt like a new person: renewed, rejuvinated, redundant.

Here it is, 3 hours or so after my workout, I’ve ate a good dinner, showered, finished laundry, done the dishes, and updated both of my blogs. All those things that were causing earth shaking rage at the world seem a little less important, a little less raw. I’m glad I didn’t go off on those that set me into a state of affiars, because I realized that what I was mad at wasn’t really the world, or a girl, or work, but rather myself.

I was raging against myself and decisions I’d made to put myself into this state of affairs. I’ve realized yet again, that everything I’ve done and chosen to do makes me who I am, and I live with those decisions and must live with those decisions without regret over the things I no longer have control over. I don’t forget the past, but I refuse to live in the past, regretting decisions that I made at a point in time when I felt that either I was making the right decision, or that the risk was worth the reward. It’s not worth getting world-raging angry about, although I must admit that it helped in the gym.

Favorite songs of the day:

The What (Notorious B.I.G. ft. Method Man) – “Fuck the world, don’t ask me for shit”

Break Stuff (Limp Bizkit) – “Its just one of those days, Where you don’t want to wake up. Everything is fucked, Everybody sucks. You don’t really know why, But you wanna justify,Rippin someone’s head off.”

Studying Politics (Emery) – “There’s that smile again (there’s that smile again), You fake it and I follow you right in, What a fool I’ve been, To fall for it each time”


One Response to “World Hating Rage”

  1. Sam Says:

    Happens to the best of men and women, as well as the brightest of dispositions. Because I like digging through Bartlett’s Quotations, I think I found an apt quotation from a diary entry of one of our founding fathers, John Adams:

    “By my physical constitution I am but an ordinary man…Yet some great events, some cutting expressions, some mean hypocrisies, have at times thrown this assemblage of sloth, sleep, and littleness into rage like a lion.”

    Be mad, be outraged, be livid, but channel it and let it ground you and wake you up to what injustices, real or perceived, need confrontation and examination. Your entry shows that you grow from these feelings and are not consumed by it, which puts you somewhere in the 90th percentile of human beings.

    Just remember, this too will pass, my friend, and we’ll all see the re-emergence of that cheery disposition that has defined you for all these years.

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